I’m Taking Responsibility for Being Raped

A courageous woman named Coco Jones was the first to say it. She’s right. It’s all our fault. I’ve been in serious denial this entire time. All those people who said I needed to take some responsibility for what happened to me, here it is. My apologies to the neutral third parties who violated me, as it was completely my fault for being in the same room with you and trusting you. I’ve seen the error of my predator-blaming ways, and I apologize.

You truly must read the entire post, “I’m Taking Responsibility for Getting Raped,” but here are a few excerpts of things I’m particularly guilty of:

3. I let people in my life. I have relationships and friendships. I allow them in my home, I eat food they prepare for me without watching them cook it. I open the door when I am alone. I leave the house by myself to meet them places. I even let my partner tie me up and believe he won’t rape me on MERE TRUST.

I see now that it was truly my fault to be alone with my boyfriend, with whom I had had great sex with before I let myself get raped. He had told me he loved me and adored me so many times that I just really let my guard down. It’s really my fault that I didn’t push him away forcefully enough. Same goes with The Musician, silly of me to trust a colleague. My goodness, I’ve just let myself be a victim left and right.

I’ve learned a great lesson here. To not get myself raped or betrayed or discarded, I truly need to stop letting anyone in my life. Even therapists. No more friends. I’ll lock myself away in my room with my dog and cat, because then I’ll be safe. Indeed. Even my husband after 15 years together…one never knows. So, here is my first mistake. No doubt.

5. I dress like a fucking slut. No, really. I wear clothes that touch my body. I have hair. Sometimes it is up, sometimes I wear it down. I accentuate my eyes and lips with make-up. I go out in the world like this. Regularly.

6. My reflexes are not cat-like. If you throw something at me, it will hit me. I will not deflect it with a sudden, practiced movement. Things can catch my by surprise and I am not always ready for them. I should be sharpening my instincts daily. Instead I forget to because I’m usually doing something less important.

Me, too. I’ve made these same mistakes. In fact, I’ve got clothes on right now that touch my skin. I had better change before I go to the post office. I haven’t put make-up on yet, but I did already fix my hair. Maybe a bulky hat will help.

Additionally, I have an open heart and a tendency to believe people at their word, especially friends, colleagues, and lovers (the roles of the three men who violated me between 2010 & 2012). Foolish and careless of me, really.

In fact, I’m convinced that the only reason I haven’t been sexually assaulted since 2012 is that I have kept myself so isolated. I see no one other than my husband and therapist, which turns out was a waste of time and money for trauma recovery. All I ever needed to do was accept responsibility for the sexual violations. I do now, and how. I see the error of my ways. As long as I stay locked away in my house, venturing out only for Starbucks and to go to the movies alone (as long as I’m dressed properly), I should remain safe.

Good plan.

Just think, for nearly two years I’ve been saying how the rapist is responsible for choosing to rape and the communities for making excuses and embracing said rapists (ooops, neutral third parties, I mean) at their parties and conventions, when all along it’s been my fault. Huh.

Yep. I got myself raped, too.

Please read the post by the courageous woman who has just freed all of us “survivors” from years of recovery. We have nothing to recover from, as it was all our fault. Let’s start practicing victim flagging and rapist apology across the board. Let’s show sympathy for those poor neutral third parties who get labeled “rapist” for merely having nonconsensual sex and purposely blowing boundaries. It’s not their responsibility, after all.

Have some compassion!

“I Never Called It Rape”

The amazing Kitty Stryker talks about when she first started recognizing what was happening to her, repeatedly, was rape and sexual assault in this amazing post called “I Never Called It Rape.”

I’ve written several things across my blog and on the OWF blog about how it took me months, sometimes years, to understand that what had happened was, in fact, rape and/or sexual assault. Unlike Kitty, however, I was traumatized by it, but for a very long time I couldn’t understand why until I was told by several sexual assault and PTSD specialists that I had been raped. Then it all made sense.

Now, Kitty is about 15 years younger than I am, so when I was her age, I didn’t consider myself traumatized by the sexualized violence either. Trauma is cumulative. By the time it happened again, and again, and again, and–yes–again, in my early 40s, it all had caught up with me and I experienced severe PTSD symptoms.

Except from “I Never Called It Rape“:

I started to think about this, and it really honestly scares me. When I start to think of the number of times I have been cajoled, pressured, or forced into sex that I did not want when I came into “the BDSM community”, I can’t actually count them. And I never came out about it before, not publicly, for a variety of reasons- I blamed myself for not negotiating enough, or clearly, or for not sticking to my guns, or I  didn’t want to be seen as being a drama queen or kicking up a fuss. Plus, the fact is, these things didn’t traumatize me, and I didn’t call it sexual assault or rape, because I felt ok afterwards. There was no trauma, no processing that I needed.

…..

As I reflected on the number of times I’ve had fingers in my cunt that I hadn’t consented to, or been pressured into a situation where saying “no” was either not respected or not an option, or said that I did not want a certain kind of toy used on me which was then used, I’m kind of horrified.

Read the rest of “I Never Called It Rape” here.

Read more about consent and this continuing discussion on Kitty Stryker’s Consent Culture page.

-_Q

Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist, like the Amazon Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited. Her short stories and poetry have been published in various magazines and anthologies, like SNM Horror Magazine and How the West Was Wicked. Ms. Grey also blogs and podcasts relationship essays covering such topics as alternative lifestyles, deepening intimacy, ending a relationship with love and respect, and other deliciously dark and decadent matters of the heart and soul.

Read more by O. M. Grey on her blog Caught in the Cogs, http://omgrey.wordpress.com

A Fungus Among Us

“A Fungus Among Us” is another post in Thomas’s series “There’s a War On.” In this post, Thomas talks about how serial abusers work their way into central community positions. They are often charming and popular and have a lot of supporters/fans/friends. They are often the most fun.

They are serial abusers. Through empirical research compiled under what is now known as The Predator Theory, we know that 90% of the assaults are committed by less than 10% of the population. Research shows around 4% and 8%. 4% is one out of 25 people, meaning someone we know.

(Side note. The number of sociopaths in society are also at 4%. One out of 25. You know a sociopath. You know a rapist. They might even be the same person, and they are likely your friend.) Again, Thomas speaks particularly about BDSM communities, but his words can be applied to any community.

Four out of a hundred, one out of twenty-five: someone we know.  Someone we’re friends with.  Someone we trust.  Someone who is friends with our friends.  It may be worse in BDSM communities, nobody has any numbers.  Pedophiles try to become priests, teachers, coaches, run camps: places where their access to targets will be easy, where they can select and groom targets.  Given the way BDSM communities offer access to targets and unwittingly or even recklessly provide cover for abusive conduct, why wouldn’t predators who want adult victims gravitate toward BDSM communities?  Anyone who thinks that can’t be true is in denial. 

(emphasis mine)

He goes on to give an account of a woman who tried to warn others about her rapist, and they behaved in the exact same way. He doesn’t know the woman or the abuser, but he says it rings true because this is what he’s experienced and witnessed in his own community. All those who ask me again and again and again how I can “jump” on any accusation and believe it, and why I’m asking you to do the same (at least give the benefit of the doubt to the victim, not the accused) is because it’s the same. exact. thing. I’ve seen in countless communities. It rings true because there is a 98% chance it is true.

He also tells a story about a woman who was raped with a knife, something her dom was into and kept trying to talk her into it during their play sessions. She repeatedly said she wasn’t ready for penetration with a knife…well, he decided that it didn’t matter what she wanted. Boris, as he names the dom in his story, was very popular and central in their scene. “Boris cares more about consent than anyone, or that’s the impression he gives, and so say some of his friends.” Read the post to see just how much “Boris” cares about consent. Many, many abusers and rapists hide behind feminism and spirituality and in other places that cause you to doubt their true nature when it’s revealed through the trembling lips of one of their victims.

There’s a theme here: that silence and secrecy are the paramount values, and open discussion is to be avoided.  It’s a basic function of institutions, but often of informal social networks as well, to protect the body from reputational damage.  That’s what colleges do with rape: they use nondisclosure agreements so that whatever the result, nobody can talk about it.  When I was in college and there was an accusation of a sexual assault on a woman I sort of knew, I got the account from her, and she said it happened and I believed her, so I told anyone who would listen about the perp.  So the administration told me I’d be punished if I didn’t shut up.  That’s how it happens.  Not talking about it is rule #1.

There’s a Crack in Everything…

“There’s a Crack in Everything, That’s How the Light Gets In” Brilliant post below, one of many in Thomas’s series “There’s a War On” on Yes Means Yes. In this one he talks about consent, blowing boundaries, and the importance of After-Care Respect. Although he speaks mostly about the BDSM community, what he says can be utilized in all communities and in all sexual interactions. He speaks especially about the importance of having a conversation with the “tops,” or in the case of non-BDSM sex, the one who has been named for perpetrating some sort of sexualized violence. It’s not about punishment or even necessarily ostracism, it’s about self-improvement and caring for another human being who has been hurt and/or violated. It’s in this questioning and communication that we, as a community, separate the abusers (who we want out of our community) and those who just blew a boundary or fucked up. Here’s an excerpt:

Self-Improvement for Tops: To Err Is Human, To Get Defensive Is Counterproductive Aftercare isn’t only the part that looks after the bottom’s emotional needs.  On my account, properly understood, aftercare has three components: the bottom’s emotional needs, the top’s emotional needs, and post-scene learning.  Some folks don’t need a lot of aftercare for their emotional needs.  Some tops don’t really get top drop, some bottoms don’t need or even want a lot of looking after, but there’s always room to learn something.  One dominant I know always asks her bottoms, “Was there anything I did that you were not comfortable with?” and “Was there anything I did that you wish I hadn’t done?”  This tends to work better after the initial rush of hormones and emotions from play has a chance to settle down, and lots of people do following-day check-ins, especially after big scenes. There are two things to be accomplished here.  The first is for the tops themselves.  I top too, and with just one partner for over a decade.  You know what?  I am still learning.  We push, we talk, we learn, we try things.  I make mistakes!  Yes, I do!  And we talk about them.  Technical errors, miscommunications, and even landmines, as I discussed in Part 5.  Ignoring these things or pretending they don’t need to be discussed doesn’t do anyone any good.