“I Never Called It Rape”

The amazing Kitty Stryker talks about when she first started recognizing what was happening to her, repeatedly, was rape and sexual assault in this amazing post called “I Never Called It Rape.”

I’ve written several things across my blog and on the OWF blog about how it took me months, sometimes years, to understand that what had happened was, in fact, rape and/or sexual assault. Unlike Kitty, however, I was traumatized by it, but for a very long time I couldn’t understand why until I was told by several sexual assault and PTSD specialists that I had been raped. Then it all made sense.

Now, Kitty is about 15 years younger than I am, so when I was her age, I didn’t consider myself traumatized by the sexualized violence either. Trauma is cumulative. By the time it happened again, and again, and again, and–yes–again, in my early 40s, it all had caught up with me and I experienced severe PTSD symptoms.

Except from “I Never Called It Rape“:

I started to think about this, and it really honestly scares me. When I start to think of the number of times I have been cajoled, pressured, or forced into sex that I did not want when I came into “the BDSM community”, I can’t actually count them. And I never came out about it before, not publicly, for a variety of reasons- I blamed myself for not negotiating enough, or clearly, or for not sticking to my guns, or I  didn’t want to be seen as being a drama queen or kicking up a fuss. Plus, the fact is, these things didn’t traumatize me, and I didn’t call it sexual assault or rape, because I felt ok afterwards. There was no trauma, no processing that I needed.


As I reflected on the number of times I’ve had fingers in my cunt that I hadn’t consented to, or been pressured into a situation where saying “no” was either not respected or not an option, or said that I did not want a certain kind of toy used on me which was then used, I’m kind of horrified.

Read the rest of “I Never Called It Rape” here.

Read more about consent and this continuing discussion on Kitty Stryker’s Consent Culture page.


Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist, like the Amazon Gothic Romance bestseller Avalon Revisited. Her short stories and poetry have been published in various magazines and anthologies, like SNM Horror Magazine and How the West Was Wicked. Ms. Grey also blogs and podcasts relationship essays covering such topics as alternative lifestyles, deepening intimacy, ending a relationship with love and respect, and other deliciously dark and decadent matters of the heart and soul.

Read more by O. M. Grey on her blog Caught in the Cogs, http://omgrey.wordpress.com

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Filed under Hope, Misogyny, Objectification, Rape Culture

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